That New Years resolutions that most North Americans point to every single year. The ‘lose weight’ one. I gave that one up years ago.
First, because I’m resisting a North Americanized version of perfect image. I’m as valuable as any human being, in or out of size six pants. And I don’t need to be admired publicly to know it.
Secondly, because I was steeped in unhealthy body image issues as a child. I grew up listening to messages that told me I was valuable because I was tall, thin, blond and pretty. ‘You could be a model.’ When I began to gain weight in my twenties, people noticed. It wasn’t profound weight gain. Just enough to throw me off that pedestal. Food became my coping mechanism through much of my twenties, and I don’t even want to psychoanalyze my pregnant/nursing years…I was hungry.
You can see how my first and second reasons were circular feedback to one another. I either became anorexic/bulimic or I chose to ignore them both and eat what I wanted.
I did gain too much weight. And after my fourth and final child was born, I decided it was no longer an option to be huffing and puffing as I went up and down the stairs to the second floor. I chose to get healthy. I became active. And I am more active these days than I ever have been.
But eventually I rendered all those messages and let my weight lay where it lie along with certain food choices that would bite my…well, gallbladder.
So I told myself: I’m not obese. I’m going to eat my lays potato chips and drink my gin and tonic with my hubby. I’m going to enjoy my Sweet Georgia Browns on Christmas Day, and forget about nutritious dietary habits for the holidays. New Years Day vereneke and farmer sausage with sour cream. Christmas Eve prime rib dinner. Baked brie and cream buns for Christmas breakfast. Parties of yummy food. Carpe diem.
I was wrong.
My pendulum swung too far.
I now have to find a framework of healthy eating. Because of the ultimate motivator: pain. I eat almost anything right now…I feel pain. My gallbladder is retaliating.
My husband suggested going out for New Years Eve. I really wanted to hang together as a family. Fun food planned, of course: cheese fondue, chocolate fondue, oh and those chex chocolate icing sugar snacks. Fun activities: minute to win it games, dancing and watching the ball drop.
Instead, we went out. To the emerg. Now I’m coming full force with something I was trying for years to ignore. No, I am not obese. Yes, I exercise regularly and live an active life. However, my body was not meant to eat what I have been eating.
I share this today with you for two reasons.
1) It’s actually been my last couple weeks of reality. Yesterday pureed fruit threw me into pain. But I finally ate a few tablespoons of rice by bedtime (and oh it was sooooo good).
2) It’s New Years. How many have written “gonna lose weight this year” on their resolution list? A few. (It also happens to be cholecystectomy season…removal of the gallbladder…of course that couldn’t happen to me;).
I’m not adding “lose weight” to this year’s resolution though. (I won’t have to. It is bound to happen.)
Instead, I am being forced to come out of my delusion that I can eat what I like in moderation. On top of my list will be that my notion of moderation has to become a whole lot more moderate.
If you have something similar to this resolution on your new years list, let me know how. I would love to hear how you’re approaching it this year.