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I finished my non-fat cappuccino and the kids finished their Schweppes at a cafe during a homeschool day. Apparently, my homeschool kids and I were being watched.
We were at the end of our Professor Noggins ocean card game and a man with salt and pepper hair walked up to our table. “These all yours?”
So what is the truth behind homeschool socialization?
This is a common question I’ve heard repeatedly since my third daughter was born. A fourth child took the curiosity to a whole new level. So I’d heard the question so often that I’d finally given up on my sarcastic reactions.
“Yup, all mine,” I said with a smile.
“Well, you have a beautiful family.“
Surprised at his sincerity, I said a simple thank you.
“You have to tell me how you’ve done it. They’re just all well-behaved and good to each other.“
Ha, not always, my friend, I think to myself. I wish his perception was my continual reality. Having said that, I could see that they considered each other, helped each other, and spoke gently to each other lots of the time.
I don’t have a secret to socializing them. Of course, you knew that.
But in my quest to socialize my children, there are a few things I’ve learned that may surprise you…
1. Forced association is not socialization.
- Why are people worried about my children being socialized?
- Do my children have routine opportunities to spend seven hours with twenty-four other children?
- Would I be happy hanging out with another twenty-five people every day if I could choose it?
2. Yes, I have to put effort into connecting with others.
But I get to decide who those others are and how they influence my family.
3. My kids have learned a whole lot about connecting with others.
But this might have happened in or out of school.
- One of my kiddos has learned how to come out of her shell.
- Other kids never owned a shell.
- A couple of my kids have learned to give other kids a chance that they might not instinctively connect with.
- My kids are learning to be kind to others that aren’t always kind to them.
- Some of my kids are learning to curb their sharp tongues with the assistance of their mama (but probably also learning sharp quips from her too).
4. My kids have been learning to consider their siblings and that has most definitely taught them.
They’re learning not to bicker, but instead, talk things through, and listen to each other’s perspectives and feelings. And they’re learning to share their own feelings too.
5. They’re exposed to a regular community, of course.
They regularly interact with…
- adults
- kids of all ages
- parents of other kids
- service strangers (post office, grocer, café)
- their music, dance, and curling teachers
And they talk to them as comfortably as they’re talking to me.
6. We’re doing things differently, but we aren’t lone social islands.
My kids might not be in the confines of a cement building with a few hundred other children for six hours a day, switching from class to class, being told to be quiet in class, and told to hush cause the teacher’s talking, but my kids have a whole lot going on.
7. Who I am, my focus, my struggles, my idiosyncrasies, and my strengths rub off on my children.
Who else was I hoping they would mirror?
They were born onto this earth because I chose to bear them because I wanted children.
Who else should lead them, guide them, and parent them?
I didn’t have them to turn them over to someone else to parent.
Having said that, it’s a misnomer to suggest my children are mentored just by me. There are loads of people in their family and their community that shape who they are becoming:
- youth leaders
- dance teachers
- choir directors
- friends
- other family members
Suggest that they are picking up too many of my bad habits? Frickin, yup (that might be me). But when I see something negative reflecting back at me, I consider if there is something inward I need to look at. Sometimes it’s them, not me. They are separate people.
Therefore, self-examination has been my constant companion as I parent my children.
8. Socialization and social opportunity aren’t the same things.
Social opportunities abound. My children, and most homeschooled kids I know, attend youth groups, hang out with friends, travel to new cities or countries, attend guitar and piano lessons, homeschool co-ops, college classes, dance classes, gymnastics, choir, swim lessons, and soccer camps… I could go on and on. We’ve got more time to be with other people now that we’re educating at home.
Socialization opportunities also abound and are an ongoing effort. Teaching kindness, patience, consideration, and a sharing spirit: these get taught every single day. My children have siblings; therefore, constant opportunities abound.
9. They learn to be confident partly because I am also confident.
But I think mostly they’re confident because they are listened to, looked in the eye, and spend time in a slow, organic way: in other words, they know they’re important because they are important in our lives.
10. What you see isn’t what you get.
Nice kids aren’t always nice.
Perfectly kind people don’t exist.
There are stories behind the stories in everyone’s lives. My husband and I have moments where our eyes are rolling, heads steaming, extreme deep breathing, trying to avoid yelling or throwing consequences around equal to my consumption of Miss Vickie’s potato chips.
But we get to work at our socialization as often as we help our kids learn theirs, so it’s all good.
Thank you, random stranger.
In the end, I accepted that stranger’s compliment. The hard work I put in every day is well worth the effort, and it’s nice to have it recognized.
So what’s the secret to homeschooled kids’ socialization? There isn’t one.
But you knew that too.
“Power shapes what a person does, influence shapes who they become”.
Erwin McManus
If you need a little time away from the kids, you can take a mini-retreat here: the Homeschool Mama Retreat.
People also ask:
- why kids don’t need school socialization & why they need you instead
- homeschool socialization can be quantified in 9 ways
- the “S” word and other social unpleasantries I learned by grade 6
- why kids don’t need school socialization & why they need you instead
- How Rachel Gathercole Informs My Homeschool
- What about homeschool socialization?
Teresa Wiedrick
I help homeschool mamas shed what’s not working in their homeschool & life, so they can show up authentically, purposefully, and confidently in their homeschool & life.
Call to Adventure by Kevin MacLeod
Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3470-call-to-adventure
License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Really interesting post. During the teachers strike I tried to do some home learning with my little guy and I absolutely admire the parents who homeschool. I always used to wonder if kids who were homeschooled socialized as much with other people, but it sounds like they are, and quite possibly the potential for better quality interaction exists. It sounds like you have a great family, and it is always nice to have others notice and comment on it.
These are good insights. Thank you for this post.
Teresa! Post this everywhere! It needs to go viral! Bravo on writing a socialization piece that is thoughtful, kind, and humble. Fantastic my friend.
Thanks! I think yesterday I did post them everywhere–unless by everywhere you mean somewhere else?
Lol… Well I’m not aware of a somewhere else if you’ve covered everywhere. 🙂
What a pleasant surprise, to receive a complement when expecting judgment! I’m always so nervous when out and about with my children during school hours – but I love hearing “You have beautiful children!” My husband often takes the kids out on his own Saturday morning and every time he hears “You’re brave”.
Indeed! It doesn’t even register that we’re out & about anymore. With all the grocery store exposure, what we get comments on now is surprise that my kids shop with me. I even went to the other end of the mall when they were loading stuff at the cashier! The training has paid off.
Better quality interaction, indeed. Well said. Having said, living together they know how to wrangle one another!
Wonderful post! I’ve always said we should put an adjective in front of socialization. Everyone is socialized to some extent. The question is, what types of socialization are your children experiencing?
What adjective would you put in front of socialization in a homeschool socialization context?
Hmmm. Great question. Perhaps guided or intentional. Probably the best one would be practical. It’s more practical to socialize with people of all ages, in real life situations, than (as you noted) in a room full of people your own age.
“I get to decide who those ‘others’ are and how they influence my family.”
Bingo! Exactly! Spot on!
(What more can I say?)
Precisely!
Homeschooling is the quiet revolution. Most homeschooled children are probably in Christian families. Though I did meet someone years ago that homeschooled his kids and they weren’t a Christian family.
I seems like it is the same worldly mantra everywhere I go: “what about socialization?” I would much rather have my kids socialized to their Christian parents and to the Lord Jesus Christ Himself than with worldly people. Would you like to have your kids socialized in an inner city public school—socialized to be an illiterate gang-banger? Would you like your kids to be socialized in a wealthy suburb in America—socialized to crass materialism, the worship of money and worldly success and drug and alcohol abuse?
I was talking with a friend in southern Idaho recently and they have their kids in a charter school in Gooding, Idaho. The public school in their hometown of Shoshone is considered to be the worst in the state. I told her that sometimes I think that putting your kids in public schools IS CHILD ABUSE.
Homeschooled children will grow up and change and redeem our society.
Here is a blog of someone who was homeschooled; this blog is a real blessing:
Maid Arise!
http://maidarise.blogspot.com/