How to Improve Homeschool Communication with the Best NVC

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

This episode is all about nonviolent homeschool communication — specifically, the patterns that make it harder than it needs to be. Nonviolent homeschool communication starts here — with understanding these old patterns.

And there is one book that has shaped how I think about this more than any other.

I’ve read a lot of books on relationships, parenting, connection, and attachment over the years — more than I can count. But Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication is the one I keep coming back to. For me, it is the bible of relationships and communication. And it has changed how I show up in my homeschool in ways I didn’t expect.

Here’s what it taught me.

But first, how does Marshall Rosenberg define nonviolent communication?

NVC (aka Nonviolent Communication) is a language of life that helps us transform old patterns of defensiveness and aggressiveness into compassion and empathy and to improve the quality of all of our relationships. (Definition provided by the Center for Non-Violent Communication).

We all have old patterns that need to be transformed.

And we definitely notice we have reactive, defensive, and aggressive patterns when we attempt to create relationships.

Certainly, we notice this when we saturate ourselves in the homeschool parenting role.

The 4 NVC Components That Transform Nonviolent Homeschool Communication

1. Observation: Observation without evaluation consists of noticing concrete things and actions around us. We learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment and to simply observe what is there.
2. Feeling: When we notice things around us, we inevitably experience varying emotions and physical sensations in each particular moment. Here, distinguishing feelings from thoughts is an essential step in the NVC process.
3. Needs: All individuals have needs and values that sustain and enrich their lives. When those needs are met, we experience comfortable feelings, like happiness or peacefulness, and when they are not, we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding that we, as well as those around us, have these needs is perhaps the most important step in learning to practice NVC and live empathically.
4. Request: To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC’s transformative mission. When we learn to request concrete actions that can be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

(Definitions provided by the Center for Non-Violent Communication).

Here’s how each component transforms homeschool communication in real life.

Lesson One — The Homeschool Communication Shift That Changes Everything

“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” ― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

This is what we all want: we want a flow within ourselves and between us. But we’re not all trained to enable that flow.

We have walls built up to defend ourselves; sometimes we even have spikes and landmines built up to defend ourselves.

Either way, those defenses don’t build relationships.

Vulnerability and authenticity allow relationships to expand and grow.

Nonviolent homeschool communication requires this foundation first — self-compassion. And that is an easy thing to say and a less easy thing to do.

Lesson Two — Homeschool Communication and Grace

“All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently, those people deserve to be punished.” ― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

We do what we do because that is what we know to do in the scenario at the time.

And in the words of Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.“

If we have a growth mindset about life and relationships, how we show up will shift over time.

Growth changes everything. Over time, we show up differently in the same scenarios — five, ten, or twenty years later — if we choose that path. Looking back in regret and shame is one option. Forgiving ourselves and growing is another.

And when we grow humble and self-aware enough, we realize that others aren’t trying to intentionally cause us pain or friction either. Punishment didn’t teach us when we simply didn’t know better. It won’t serve the people engaging us wrongly now either.

So we choose grace — the same grace we’d want extended to our own growing selves.

This shift in perspective is at the heart of nonviolent homeschool communication.

Lesson Three — What Anger Is Really Telling You

“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.” ― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Anger is that mighty sharp tip of an iceberg that protects our fragile hearts.

It’s a useful tool to self-protect.

But it also protects or keeps us from connecting with others if we self-protect too hard.

Under the mighty iceberg of anger’s sharp tip is a whole lotta other big emotions. You name the emotion, it’s there.

And those emotions are always fueled by our unmet needs.

Nonviolent homeschool communication asks us to address those needs directly rather than react to the emotion on the surface.

So we need to address our own needs and respectfully request that others meet our needs, so that we don’t spend our lives reactively, angrily demanding others meet our needs, and/or never connecting with ourselves or others.

Lesson Four — The Danger of Not Knowing Yourself

“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.” ― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

You know when you’re not a parent and you have heaped judgments on your own parents parenting approaches BUT THEN you have kids???

And all you can think to yourself is DANG, this parenting thing is only easy when I’m not doing it. (& also, I can see now that my parents were doing the best they could do with what they knew to do in their parenting years, no matter how unhealthy things were).

Because parenting is SO CHALLENGING at times.

Every parenting book I’ve read had something to say. And I’ve appreciated most of them for something.

But this core point, that we need to grow in self-awareness and self-compassion has had the most impact on my parenting approach.

I’ve made the gamut of parenting mistakes. I really have. Which means I have regret. (& lest you try to console me for my perfectly imperfect parenting, I will go to my grave regretting them, but I also don’t fuel them with self-contempt).

Self-shaming won’t change how I engage my kids now. Mistakes were made — I’m human. Healthy examples weren’t always available to me, and no matter how many parenting books or hours in a therapist’s office, I was bound to struggle with this one relationship: the relationship with myself.

My defenses and my reactiveness towards things that hurt me or offended me or confused me were my instinctive armour and battle gear that I brought into my family life, as a wife, and as a mother.

I wish this weren’t true. But it is. I had (& still have) armour and battle gear.

Do I like that? Hell no.

Will it serve me to pretend that these patterns weren’t mine at the beginning of my family journey?

Again, hell no.

I’ve learned that including practices in self-awareness has helped me see me a little more clearly (a little more, because there will always be room for more self-awareness, I’ll never see myself clearly).

Or in the words of Carl Rogers, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Self-awareness is the foundation of nonviolent homeschool communication — and this is where it starts.

Lesson Five — You Are Not Vanilla

“My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.” ― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

If we don’t acknowledge who we are, that we are separate people, and that we have separate needs, we force ourselves to go underground.

Our identity becomes like vanilla ice cream.

Vanilla is a flavour of ice cream, sure (aka it’s a personality of ice cream types, though it is a basic personality).

But it doesn’t have a specific personality, a particular flavour, or a particular texture.

It has an entry-level nothingness.

(Clearly vanilla is not my favourite. Bring on the peppermint chocolate chip).

But we each aren’t vanilla personalities: we have our own flair, our own flavour, and our own textures.

We are unique and are meant to be here for a special purpose.

When we put our efforts toward being good or right, enabling ourselves to go undercover, we aren’t really us. And so does our nonviolent homeschool communication.

And when we put our efforts toward fully accepting all of our parts, and each of our needs, and acknowledging our real selves, we flourish.

The Homeschool Communication Tool I Use Every Day

The very most important thing I gain from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, is this fill-in-the-blank statement.

It is a useful tool: a fill-in-the-blank conversation “instruction manual” to address my needs and request someone to engage my needs (which, not coincidentally when you practice doing this for you, makes it awfully easy to engage for others too).

When I see that______________ I feel ______________ because my need for ________________ is/is not met. Would you be willing to __________________?

This single sentence changed my nonviolent homeschool communication more than any other tool I’ve found.

So my goal in my relationships with my kids and my relationship with my partner is to make observations, clarify and express my feelings, declare my underlying needs, and ask for my needs to be met.

That simple.

And not easy at all.

If you want to go deeper in nonviolent homeschool communication

Here are three ways I can support you:

Reading That Restores You — Book Club Newsletter

Every Wednesday morning, a warm, thoughtful reflection lands in your inbox drawn from the books we’re exploring together — including Nonviolent Communication. Journaling prompts. Practical takeaways for your homeschool communication and your life. You don’t have to read the book. You just have to show up for yourself on a Wednesday morning.

Sign up free here.

The Confident Homeschool Mom Collective

If you want to work through homeschool communication challenges live — with a community of women who genuinely get this life — come join us in the Collective. This month, we’re exploring Nonviolent Communication together. Roundtable conversations, book club discussion, writer’s room, and actionable strategy sessions. Every Friday. Your first Friday is completely free.

Join the Collective here.

Book a Free Aligned Homeschool Reset Session

If homeschool communication with a specific child or your partner feels particularly stuck right now — I’d love to think through it with you. Book a free no-obligation Aligned Homeschool Reset Session and let’s look at what’s really happening and what might need to shift.

Book your free session here.

---

Keep Reading

• How to Use Non-Violent Communication in our Homeschools
• The Homeschool Communication Mistake Parents Make & How to Change It
• Counseling 101: a Homeschool Parent’s Most Important Skill
• Conflict Resolution Toolbox
• How Listening to our Trauma Stories can Enable our Homeschool Families
• Homeschool Kids are the Audience to the Homeschool Marriage
• How to Address Your Big Emotions with Christine Dixon
• A Homeschool Mom Podcast to Transform Your Life
• Perspective-Shifting Homeschool Coaching Discussions
• Foster Strong Relationships in Your Homeschool Family
• Hold Onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld in Homeschool Mama Book Club
• How Marie Forleo Informs my Homeschool
• How Brene Brown’s Inspiring Thoughts have Informed my Homeschool
• 8 Ways to Build Healthy Relationships in Your Homeschool Family
• The Ultimate Guide to Building Boundaries and Healthy Relationships for Homeschool Moms
• 13 Things Mentally Strong Don’t Do: Amy Morin influences my homeschool
• Enneagram: A Self-Awareness Tool That Makes You a Better Educator, Mom & Partner
• 5 Reasons Your Homeschool Child Won’t Do Work & How to Motivate Your Child
• How Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart Influences our Homeschools

Originally published July 6, 2022. Updated August 4, 2026.