Are You Enough as a Homeschool Mom?

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Prefer to listen? This is the episode on the A of my Reimagine framework, part of Coming Home to Yourself, the current season of the Confident Homeschool Mom Podcast.

Am I doing enough? Is this enough for my kids? Am I patient enough, organized enough, smart enough to pull this off? These questions sound like they’re about your homeschool. But in my coaching work, I’ve found that when a mom asks, “Am I enough as a homeschool mom?”, she’s almost always asking something deeper than whether her homeschool is working.

Why “Am I Doing Enough?” Is Really “Am I Enough?”

Yes, sometimes we really are asking whether we’re doing enough. Whether we’re organized enough. Whether we should be offering our kids more. Those can be real questions.

But oftentimes, we’re not really asking those questions. We’re asking: Am I enough? Am I worthy? And we’re trying to prove it, to ourselves and to the people around us, through the homeschool.

That’s how homeschooling becomes the proxy for feeling like things are not enough. There’s no principal, no report card, and no one telling you you’re doing fine. So the place that was supposed to give your kids freedom quietly becomes the place where you’re on trial, every day.

If your question is more about the homeschool itself, I wrote about that in Are You Homeschooling Good Enough?

Am I Enough as a Homeschool Mom? The Perfectionism Trap

So here’s how I see these two fit together. They’re not two sides of the same coin.

Not feeling worthy is the belief underneath. Perfectionism, then, is what we do about it. Perfectionism is the proving.

That’s why perfectionism isn’t really about being perfect. (I wrote about what that looked like for me in The Perfectionistic Homeschool Mom on the Edge of the Bed.) It’s about not feeling like enough. And that’s why it’s so exhausting: the bar just keeps moving. In fact, you can’t out-organize “not enough,” because a better planner can’t answer a worthiness question.

What Proving Your Worth Looks Like in a Homeschool Day

For example, if you’ve been in this place, you may recognize it:

• Patient enough. Organized enough. Smart enough.
• Not missing a beat. Not making a mistake.
• A home so clean no one could accuse you of being unworthy.
• If my kids thrive, I’m enough. If they struggle, that’s me.

Then comes the exhaustion that follows. I wrote about what’s underneath the snapping and the burnout in How To Understand Homeschool Mom Anger, and about what happens to your energy in 7 Simple Real Reasons You Lose Motivation in October. The question “Am I enough as a homeschool mom?” sits underneath both.

If this list feels familiar, 6 Challenges Every Struggling Homeschool Mom Faces, and How to Transform Them names more of them, and The Lies Homeschool Moms Believe That Makes Everything Harder looks at the stories behind them.

Where My Own “Not Enough” Story Came From

I know this story because I lived in it. I had very direct, very unkind, very demeaning words spoken to me as a child. This post isn’t about the person who spoke them. Instead, it’s about how I learned to let them go and accept the truth of my worth. (On the episode, I share more of the story.)

Our parent’s voice becomes our inner voice, and I developed that one too. So I spent a lot of my life trying to prove I was valuable. Not missing a beat. Not making a mistake. Underneath it all was a belief I never said out loud: If I’m not useful, I don’t matter.

I’m over 50, and I’m still not done processing all of it. But there have been real moments of help along the way.

First, I read about grace. Sitting in a passport office, reading a book about the book of Romans, I understood that because we are created and given grace, we are valuable. We inherently embody worth. That was an epiphany for me.

A TEDx Talk That Changed My Monday

Then, after a Monday when I heard my own voice yelling and didn’t recognize it, a friend sent me a talk by Brené Brown on living wholeheartedly. (I wrote about it in 7 Ways Brené Brown Rescued Me from One of those Homeschool Days.) After watching it, I realized I didn’t know who I was, what I needed, or what I felt.

Learning to Question My Thoughts

Later, at a live training with Dr. Daniel Amen, I learned that not every thought I think is true. That idea, I’d later learn, traces back to Byron Katie. So I started asking: Is it true? Am I 100% certain it’s true? How do I live if I believe it? (I wrote more about this in How to Recognize Negative Self-Talk as a Homeschool Mom.)

Finally, I attended a writing conference. There I realized I loved writing, that it was who I was, and that I had to do it.

What I Know Now

Because of moments like these, I’m clear that I’m here on purpose. So when I look in the mirror every morning, I can say: You are a magnificent contribution to humankind. You’ve got a reason to be here. I recognize that being human means having inherent worth.

Or, in the words of Mary Oliver in The Summer Day: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

You Are the Most Important Curriculum

Maybe your story isn’t as dramatic as mine. Maybe it’s more. But almost all of us carry some version of the message that we must be perfect. Perform. Not mess up. And it interferes with our joy.

And remember: you are the most important curriculum. Your kids are learning from you. So what do you need to learn, so that they can learn it through you, instead of having to learn it in spite of you? (I wrote more about what kids absorb from us in 16 Simple Ways To Connect With Your Homeschool Kids.)

Am I Enough as a Homeschool Mom? A Simple Practice: Catch the Proof

Instead of doing more, you catch it.

1. First, catch yourself proving. Notice the moment you’re working to prove you’re enough, not just to get the thing done. For example, the extra worksheet at 9 p.m. so no one can say you’re not doing enough. The tightness in your chest when someone asks, “So how’s homeschooling going?” Just notice.
2. Next, question the thought. Is it true that I’m not enough? Am I 100% certain it’s true? If I believe that thought, how does it dictate how I live? And if I believe the true thought, how does that change my life?
3. Finally, put your hand on your heart. Ask yourself: How are you doing? Are you feeling okay? What do you need? And then say it, the way I do in the mirror: You have a reason to be here. You are already enough.

What Happens When You Stop Asking, “Am I Enough as a Homeschool Mom?”

One mom I worked with, Hilary, a homeschool mama of 3, told me that when she was working with me, I helped her see her own ideas and perspective. Here’s how she put it:

“Having her reflect back that my ideas and perspective were original, powerful, and relatable helped me find my strength and purpose. Now I recognize that I am a leader in my life. I don’t need permission to shine. I trust my voice, my gut, and my perspective.”

Notice, then, what she said. She’s a leader in her own life. And being the leader of your life means you identify your own worth. You don’t have to prove it.

Where This Fits in the REIMAGINE Framework

This is the A in my Reimagine framework, Acknowledge You Are Already Enough. Also, here’s where you can find the rest of this season, Coming Home to Yourself:

• R: Root Yourself in Your Vision. How to Create a Homeschool Vision Statement: Make This the Best Homeschool Year Yet!
• E: Establish Emotional Regulation Tools. How To Understand Homeschool Mom Anger: You Need To Know
• I: Individualize Your Child’s Education. How to Structure an Individualized Grade 7 Homeschool Education
• G: Grow Yourself First. 7 Simple Real Reasons You Lose Motivation in October
• N: Nurture Connections. 16 Simple Ways To Connect With Your Homeschool Kids

To catch the full framework, watch the Reimagine Masterclass here. [add the M, second I and final E links as they publish]

Next Step: Module 4 of the Reimagine Mini-Course

If you want to work on the question “Am I enough as a homeschool mom?” at your own pace, Module 4 of my Reimagine Your Homeschool mini-course, You Are Already Enough, goes further, along with all the other pieces. Get the Reimagine Your Homeschool Mini-Course, $17.

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Earlier this season, Coming Home to Yourself

• The R: How to Create a Homeschool Vision Statement: Make This the Best Homeschool Year Yet!
• The E: How To Understand Homeschool Mom Anger: You Need To Know
• The G, capacity and energy: 7 Simple Real Reasons You Lose Motivation in October
• The I: How to Structure an Individualized Grade 7 Homeschool Education
• The N, last week: 16 Simple Ways To Connect With Your Homeschool Kids

Quick Answers: Am I Enough as a Homeschool Mom?